|Age:||50 (at time of death)|
- "Pardon me, good sir. I am a translator looking for work, and it occurs to me that the government of Libaterra could use my services. Would you be so kind as to direct me to the capital?"
- "And how would you be sayin' that in your native language, old man?"
- "Where the fack's the capital, ye stupid bastard?"
- —Hageoyaji d'Arioc and some Libaterran sod
Hageoyaji d'Arioc was a descendant of Artagel and Kusobaba d'Arioc. He worked as a translator in Yamato for a while but moved to Libaterra due to creative differences with Emperor Takeshi Ofuchi. He opened up a drug store in Libaterra at some point but moved to Remon after the Yamatian Invasion. He died in a Tragic Caulk Explosion in Remon in 1003 AE when he tried to fix a leak in Geraud Aurelac's room at a local inn.
- "Hear my words, O Dwarves of Kusomachi. Your concerns have not fallen on deaf ears. My agents will be coming forth to hear your complaints, and I give you my word as Emperor that they will be dealt with accordingly. It is the right of every citizen of our great Empire to bring their petitions before the Emperor."
- "You're all a bunch of whining pisstacks. Fack off!"
- —Takeshi Ofuchi and Hageyoaji's translation
Hageoyaji d'Arioc was born in Scundor to a long line of family which dated all the way back to his ancestor Artagel d'Arioc. He spent his youth in Scundia, working as a carpenter. Since Hageyoaji was smarter than most people in Scundor--or Scundia for that matter--there was easy money to be made there.
Eventually, however, Hageyoaji decided to travel the world and see other kingdoms than Scundia which was starting to bore him. He sailed all the way to Yamato where he became a translator for hire. He eventually ended up hired by none other than Emperor Takeshi Ofuchi himself who took Hageyoaji with him to Kusomachi to quell a riot by Chaos Dwarves. However, Hageyoaji chose to apply the liberal translation method to convey what the emperor had meant to say and thus insulted the dwarves who became furious as a result. Hageyoaji was chased out of town and wasn't paid, so he swore he'd never work for Takeshi Ofuchi again.
Drugged in Libaterra
- "This shit's hard to get, though. There's a major shortage of dealers around here, and the main suppliers won't come out of international waters where it's safe to carry their kind of cargo."
- "Fackers didn't have any!"
- "What I tell you? It's the same all over. Dealers got no balls, and the supply's all out to sea. A fellow could make a fortune sellin' the stuff around here, if he had the nuggets to take a few risks."
- —A bum and Hageoyaji about marijuana
While on the run from the angered Takeshi Ofuchi's agents, Hageoyaji found himself in Libaterra. He was ambushed on the road by a group of cocky ninjas who had been sent by Ofuchi. The ninjas circled him menacingly, believing the old man wasn's a threat so they could toy with him a little. Hageyoaji surprised the ninjas with his secret weapon, however: he ripped a juicy fart. The ninjas, one after the other, fainted, and Hageoyaji went around and cut their throats, then nicked their purses. He later came across a cartman who gave him directions to Lutherin, the capital of Libaterra, where Hageyoaji then headed off to since he could think of nothing else to do.
With the money he'd lifted off of those ninja, he decided that he'd visit each one of Lutherin's many taverns to have a drink. He was a bit impatient to get started, but the taverns didn't open until lunchtime. Within two hours of the tavenrs opening, whatever grumpy mood he had had was gone entirely. Why, he loved everybody! Aye, even the Emperor Ofuchi! He went from tavern to tavern raising toasts to the bloody bastard, even. Also to the Chaos Dwarves, Distreyd Thanadar XI, and Kagetsu Aurelac de Maar Sul. The last had got him bodily thrown out of a tavern, but that was alright. There were still so many to see!
Eventually, Hageoyaji found himself inside a fancy building which looked almost like a mini-palace. He didn't know how he'd got there. Maybe he'd climbed a fence or something? No matter, it was a very pretty place, except for that vomit stain a ways back. Hageoyaji wondered who'd left that. He rounded a corner and ran smack into a younger man who introduced himself as a privy councillor. Hageyoaji, in his bold drunkenness, responded by urinating on the man's shoes and later woke up in jail, wondering how he'd gotten there.
He wrote a letter to his mother and used his own blood as ink, which left him a bit lightheaded, but he survived it. He later got bored in prison and decided to break out. To do so, he decided to try the trick that had got him out of countless (read: four) prisons before, and let his most vile, putrescent ripper loose.
When the drapes burst into flames, Hageoyaji shouted "Fire! Fire!" and let another one go, causing bedding and whatnot to burst into flames in adjoining cells. Guards with gas masks came down and started to organize an evacuation, and Hageoyaji slipped away in the confusion.
The downside to getting thrown in prison, as always, was that the bastards took all of Hageoyaji's stuff, which meant he had no money. Getting out of the prison clothes was easy, as people were silly about hanging laundry outside to dry, but Hageoyaji really wanted a drink, and he had no money with which to buy one. For want of something better to do, he started hanging out with the bums behind a tavern.
One of the bums introduced him to marijuana, and Hageyoaji was hooked. Once he found out that no store actually sold drugs legitimately, he decided to set up his own store in the city where all the drugs were sorted out alphabetically in aisles. After initial trouble, the store became an underground hit of sorts, and Hageoyaji got rich.
Chilling Out in Remon
- "Well, fack! Why didn't ye say so? Why, back in the day I was a carpenter o' great renown back in Scundor! Wellanow. All ye'll need for that is a wee bit of sealant. I've even got some in me fackin' toolkit. If ye kin bring a ladder, I'll have ye fixed up in no time!"
- —Hageoyaji to Geraud Aurelac
The Rebels attacked Lutherin some time after Hageoyaji had set up his store and took over the city, forcing Hageyoaji to flee abroad. After wandering aimlessly for a few months, he landed in a small seaside town in Remon where he decided to settle into and where he could occasionally hear news of such grand events as the Yamatian Invasion.
Hageyoaji befriended many people in the town and set up a drug store which sold aspirin and heroin among others. In 1003 AE, he met with Geraud Aurelac who was looking for aspirin. When he inquired why the young man needed the medicine so badly, Geraud told him about the leak in his inn room's roof and why the drops of water were driving him insane.
Hageyoaji revealed to the young man that he had been a carpenter in his youth and offered to help him seal the leak. Geraud accepted, and the two went to the inn room to check the leak.
- "Um, hey old man. Don't you need to punch a hole in the nozzle with a nail before using a tube of sealant?"
- "Fack it! Who's the fackin' carpenter here, ye or me?"
- —Geraud Aurelac and Hageoyaji
Hageoyaji fixed a tube of sealant into a sealant gun and pointed the nozzle at the source of the leak. He carefully positioned the tube of sealant and squeezed on the trigger. Nothing happened. He squeezed harder.
Abruptly, the back of the tube of sealant burst open, spraying sealant all over his face. His throat and nostrils became clogged, preventing him from breathing. Had he been a younger man, this would have been of no import, as the sealant had not hardened, and it would have taken only moments to clear his airways. However, Hageyoaji was no longer young, and in the moment of stark terror when he realized that he couldn't breathe, his heart failed. He was dead before his body hit the ground.
Hageyoaji d'Arioc, Translator Extraordinaire and infamous drug store owner, had become one of the many victims in a long line of Tragic Caulk Explosions. He was buried two days later in the first funeral to be held in the town in many a year.
Aliases and Nicknames
- Bald Asshole
- What he was called.
He looked like a fackin' Scun (read: a dirty bum) who also happened to be bald.
Personality and Traits
A loudmouthed drug addict who supported the "liberal translation" school.
Powers and Abilities
He could rip juicy farts which could make even skilled ninjas faint and set bedsheets and drapes on fire. He was also a good translator albeit a liberal one.
Hageoyaji and Geraud got along, and he decided to help the young man fix the leak in his room. This turned out to be fatal although he did at least succeed in his task.
Hageoyaji acted as Emperor Takeshi's translator during the insurgence in Kusomachi. However, after Hageyoaji's translation caused an even bigger riot in the town, Takeshi fired him and sent assassins after him to have his revenge. Hageoyaji viewed the emperor's act as shocking because the emperor hadn't even paid for him for a work well done, and he resolved to never work for Takeshi Ofuchi again.